10/7/22
I was blown away and inspired by the answers I got when I asked a group of homecare nurse aides during a class I was teaching on Grief, āWhat is something you do as a ritual of loss?ā They were all simple ways to remember someone special, yet profound gestures of love.
Grief is love.
At the start of the class, I didnāt feel so confident. But I expressed to them feeling vulnerable about teaching a topic like this with which I have my own raw feelings. Maybe me saying so at the start, others felt safe to open up about their own vulnerabilities.
One woman said she still sits and talks to her grandpa who died when she was 11. She asks him questions and gets answers ~ often through gusts of wind. She does it when sheās wearing āthis sweatshirt,ā she said as she lifted the collar of the sweatshirt she had on. She must have put it on in anticipation of this class and its topic. It was touching, poetic, and the way she explained how she has remained close to someone special made me tear up.
Another woman at the beginning of the class had a cat who kept coming on the screen and walking in front of the camera. She had a ācat collarā at one point during a previous class, as she called it because the cat was draped around her neck while she spoke up during a discussion on our zoom class. I commented at the beginning, about how her cat wanted to be a part of the class and she said āwell, thereās seven of them.ā Of course my first thought is, a cat lady š Later though, when I asked about loss ritual, she spoke up to tell us a story. We found out she had inherited all seven cats from a friend of 30 years who had recently died. She now was living in his beautiful house with lots of fruit trees and caring for his critters. Sheād rather have her friend, of course. But, she said, she is honoring him and doing a type of loss ritual every time she feeds the cats and cares for all seven of them.
Another woman, responded to me suggesting people in early grief sometimes have trouble remembering to eat. She said sheās noticed with relatives who are grieving, they sometimes have no appetite and they donāt want to or canāt eat. I agreed, that is true. No forcing. But maybe we just hover and we donāt put the food down in front of them, but we do sit down next to them and eat close by to make them smell it. She laughed.
Another woman shared how they have pictures up of her grandma and a place in their home honoring her. And the kids love asking questions about who she was and thatās how they continue to remember.
Another said they remember the good times. Another said her family does seven nights of prayer when someone dies.Ā They say them out loud, call and response of the Hail Mary.Ā For a whole week they do this. Beautiful. And another said she writes a lot. She said itās how she gets all the busy-ness out of her head. I could relate.
One woman thanked me at the end of the class saying she appreciated the spontaneity I brought and said thatās how teaching becomes holistic. She also commented that itās big for her to say she appreciated the classes because “she comes from the East Coast where they are very judgmental.” 
I thanked her and expressed my extra excitement to get a compliment from someone who does not dole them out easily. Others chimed in that it was a huge help and I felt in that moment a sense of relief. The relief of grief and that Iām able to make a supportive difference in peopleās lives, if even for a moment.
In the photos here, a friend captured me explaining one of my simple ways of remembering my mom, who died when I was a teenager. The gold bracelet I’m wearing, is one my mom wore most days. Each night, she’d unclasp it, take off her rings, place them on the bracelet, clasp it shut again with the rings on it, and set them all on her nightstand. I now do the same
What do you do as a ritual to honor your loss?